During a recent writing exercise for a performance project in which I was involved, each of us was asked to write about our biggest fear. Not much, does scare me as I’ve learned to be strong, but sometimes that little bug can get under your skin and stay there forever. Like everyone else on the planet, I’m a person to, with emotions and feelings and my steely cold reserve is just my defence mechanism of a, believe it or not, painfully shy person.
This is mine, this is what I wrote.
“Who’s truly in the audience? Will I be liked, loved? Will I be hated, and endure some form of backlash? Who has the answers?
How will I look? Not just to the audience, but to myself and my colleagues. I know this sounds esoteric, vain, possibly selfish, but a good portion of my life has been about looking good and avoiding the negative from onlookers, strangers, even friends and family. A daily occurrence that happens every second, minute, and hour, 24/7.
I know there is much more to life than to worry over such matters, but they matter to me. Fitting in to my degree of standards, being able to carry on in my life as a happy individual, an individual that I know is on the fringes of a lot of main stream society.
Whatever mainstream is!
Maybe I am creating my own “mainstream society”? I’ve always had to fend for myself, take care of me, and when needed push aside the care of myself to tend to the needs of others.
Why? I don’t know, to that I haven’t got the answers. Maybe it has something to do with my nurturing side, my love of people, my love………… period.
I remind you, that it’s so much harder to love than it is to hate, and this world is full of people finding the easy way out and hating, hating, hating. Never finding the time, or putting in the effort to truly love and be loved. I know, because I am reminded daily of the anger people have. For me, all I have to do is glance at one of the many scars that dot the landscape of my body, the results of strangers, scars I decorate, or conceal to change and make them pretty, beautiful, and loved reminders.
I do believe in forgiveness, but I never forget, I never forget the fright, the anger the terror the HATE. And that doesn’t mean that to forgive means to forget and suddenly like that person or persons.
Getting up in front of large audiences or groups always reminds me of that possibility that somewhere out there, in the dark room, there may be a person who doesn’t share love, care, or want to hear my story, but find the easy way out, and hate.
However, getting up in front of those audiences is a chance I am willing to take
I validate you, why not validate me!
I am human
I am me
and I love you!