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My Biggest Fear

west-end-sex-workers-memorial

During a recent writing exercise for a performance project in which I was involved, each of us was asked to write about our biggest fear. Not much, does scare me as I’ve learned to be strong, but sometimes that little bug can get under your skin and stay there forever. Like everyone else on the planet, I’m a person to, with emotions and feelings and my steely cold reserve is just my defence mechanism of a, believe it or not, painfully shy person.

This is mine, this is what I wrote.

“Who’s truly in the audience? Will I be liked, loved? Will I be hated, and endure some form of backlash? Who has the answers?

How will I look? Not just to the audience, but to myself and my colleagues. I know this sounds esoteric, vain, possibly selfish, but a good portion of my life has been about looking good and avoiding the negative from onlookers, strangers, even friends and family. A daily occurrence that happens every second, minute, and hour, 24/7.

I know there is much more to life than to worry over such matters, but they matter to me. Fitting in to my degree of standards, being able to carry on in my life as a happy individual, an individual that I know is on the fringes of a lot of main stream society.

Whatever mainstream is!

Maybe I am creating my own “mainstream society”? I’ve always had to fend for myself, take care of me, and when needed push aside the care of myself to tend to the needs of others.

Why? I don’t know, to that I haven’t got the answers. Maybe it has something to do with my nurturing side, my love of people, my love………… period.

I remind you, that it’s so much harder to love than it is to hate, and this world is full of people finding the easy way out and hating, hating, hating. Never finding the time, or putting in the effort to truly love and be loved. I know, because I am reminded daily of the anger people have. For me, all I have to do is glance at one of the many scars that dot the landscape of my body, the results of strangers, scars I decorate, or conceal to change and make them pretty, beautiful, and loved reminders.

I do believe in forgiveness, but I never forget, I never forget the fright, the anger the terror the HATE. And that doesn’t mean that to forgive means to forget and suddenly like that person or persons.

Getting up in front of large audiences or groups always reminds me of that possibility that somewhere out there, in the dark room, there may be a person who doesn’t share love, care, or want to hear my story, but find the easy way out, and hate.

However, getting up in front of those audiences is a chance I am willing to take

I validate you, why not validate me!

I am human

I am me

and I love you!

 

The Pretty Little Leaf

Pretty Red Little Leaf

The Pretty little leaf is what’s sexy this week!

There I was, shit, showered and shaved, dressed and ready for the day, over my morning anxiety with my “kick ass” attitude dialed in at a level ten as I went out the door to face the day. My clothes perfectly coordinated of complimentary colours, matching jewelry, makeup applied with the precision of surgeon, and my hair all neatly hot-rollered and set. I was ready! With chin held high, shoulders back, tits out, and stomach in, I walked to the bus stop to patiently wait with all the other morning riders.

On the bus, I made myself comfortable for the 15 minute ride to the skytrain reading the morning paper as we rode over the bumps and potholes that dotted the downtown streets of beautiful Vancouver; the city I call home. The bus’s arrival at the skytrain always greats me with a certain amount of irony, its the skytrain, but at this juncture it runs underground. It always gives me a brief moment of contemplation as I descend to the train’s platform quietly crop dusting as I make my way deeper into the ground.

Hey, there are many times when the human condition takes over, we’re not all that different from each other.

The train ride is usually uneventful, and fast. A total of 8 minutes and I am there at the other end ready to transfer to the next bus to take me to my final destination and start work. However today, my “kick ass” attitude has me deciding to walk that 20 minute jaunt rather than bus it.

Feeling good and halfway there, I’m suddenly assaulted with a heavy and loud plop onto the back of my head, and gorgeous, I remind you, neatly hot-rollered and set hair. My cool calm confident demeanor was suddenly destroyed. I could feel the anger rising up in me like the red liquid in a candy thermometer that quickly rising to that hard crack stage. I was mad!

All I could think about was that big blob of fresh steaming bird shit mixing with my beautiful hair with the moistness settling on my scalp. I know it’s considered good luck to have that dropped on anyone, but today, I just wasn’t feeling the luck. Reaching up with my leather gloved hand, I expected to wipe away the remnants of that casually dropped bird bomb. Instead, as I picked out what had settled on my hair, I was presented with a small red leaf.

A pretty little leaf, perfect in all manner, and still glistening with the not yet evaporated morning dew. I stopped to study this beautiful leaf! As I began to look closer, multi coloured, almost holographic shades of red were glowing back at me. This leaf was beautiful!

I followed the stem through to the veins that spread out across this leaf to form the panels of colour between each vein. Colour that started as a lovely warm orange bleeding into a fuschia red, deepening to lip smacking crimson, and finishing at a warm purplish brown. Although it was a dying leaf, the colours were to many to describe, yet in this dying leaf, still vibrant, alive, it was beautiful!

A little leaf that in an instant made me boil over with anger at my perception of it being a dreaded bird turd.

Questions formulating, from why to how resulting in the heat of my anger. Why did I get so mad? Why did I let that happen? How is it that a simple thought created that anger? Was it much deeper?

I didn’t want to delve to deep into my mind there on the street, but rather shrug it off, laugh at the absurdity of my reaction and move on. In future, to learn to not get so heated, because whether a bird dropping or leaf, it shouldn’t have mattered to that extreme. Rather to believe and know that I need to slow it down, look at life from the perspective I always did and usually do.

The perspective that life is beautiful, bird shit and all, and take it in stride, it could have been something altogether different!

Love, learn and laugh

Wacky Wednesday: The Kissenger

WW-40-lovotics-kissenger-new-version

Well here you have it, two companies competing for your sales of providing you with the ability of long distance kisses for your loved ones in far off places.

I’m not sure who came up with the idea first, and I don’t care, it’s the idea I love. First is Lovotics  with an interesting little selection of devices you can hook up to your computer and send kisses from afar to afar. In their words;

Kissenger is an application of Lovotics. Kissenger system consists of a pair of robots to transfer kiss over distance.

Kissenger provides a novel way of transferring a kiss through interactive digital media. It provides a physical interface enabling kiss communication for several applications facilitating intimate human tele-presence with the real and virtual worlds.
Kissing is a very important mode of human communication that involves joining lips in order to express many deep felt positive emotions such as affection, respect, greeting, farewell, good luck, romantic affection or sexual desire. Apart from the surface level enjoyment humans have by kissing, it also plays a crucial biologically motivated role in allowing prospective mates to smell and taste each other’s pheromones for detecting compatibility.
With the aid of digital communication media and advanced robotic technology, the system takes the form of an artificial mouth that provides the convincing properties of the real kiss.(more…)

Sexy This Week: Difference

Teddy and Velvet

Stupid, idiot, asshole, phobic, moronic, obtuse, shallow, unintellectual, witless, all other words used to describe the word ignorant. A word I much rather prefer to use because it so blatantly, and quite simply says it in one word, IGNORANT! Unfortunately there are a lot of people on the planet that are just that, nothing more, nothing less, just ignorant. Ignorant of those in society that are different from themselves, different, a quality that should be celebrated, coveted, cherished and adored, difference, and that’s what’s sexy this week.

Life isn’t easy for those that are different, trust me I know, I’m faced with adversity each and every day of my life. For the most part I am fairly resilient and can shrug it off, but when someone is in your face with words that cut deeper than a knife, that then leads to actions of a negative kind, it’s hard to turn and walk away.group-hug

For me as a woman who just so happens to be transsexual, I love that I am different, and I never thought I would. I was always trying to blend in with the crowd and fade away. However, it didn’t take me long to understand that being out, loud, and proud, was, and is where it’s at!

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Sexy This Week: Eye Contact

stw blue eyes

It’s not hard to understand why we as human beings are so frustrated with today’s society of go go go at 100/kmh into a brick wall. We are slowly being programmed into believing we have to go faster and faster to get things done, things we don’t even remember or at many times know why we even are doing them!

Bad-phone-serviceTo top it all off, everything is slowly becoming automated making the need for human beings to do the work obsolete! More people with less jobs to do because of automation. How does that work? Take for instance recorded messages, press 1 for complaints, press 2 for grief, press 3 for just because we want to piss you off, press 4 to blow up this recording! Not hard to understand why most press 0 to bypass it all to get to a “real” person.

Along with this we are losing our ability to properly communicate with people when we are not on the phone, out in the actual world doing things, things like living. When we are communicating it is in the form of short quick vocal bursts with no eye contact being made, always or usually looking off into space or down at the ground. Why? Who knows, my suggestion is to look up, face whoever it is and look into those eyes. Making eye contact, that’s what’s sexy this week. (more…)

Sexy This Week: Praise From A Stranger

smiling-at-strangers

There you are walking down the street minding your own business, when suddenly a complete stranger says to you,

“I just wanted to tell you, that you look really nice!”

Catching you completely off guard!

What do you do, ignore it, keep on going, politely smile, or nothing at all? I’ll tell you, you stop and politely acknowledge the praise from a stranger that has been graciously presented your way, and praise from a stranger is what’s sexy this week.

Provided it is praise that is not with an ulterior motive of which is pretty damned easy to determine if your not an idiot, or praise which may be and warranted or wanted, it’s still praise that should be warmly and most graciously accepted! (more…)

Tidbits: Take Life By The Balls

Take Life By the Balls

Up for a few words of encouragement?

I am, we all know that life has it’s up’s and down’s and we do whatever it is to cope on a daily basis. For me it boils down to a few things, confidence and courage, courage to take what life has to offer, and the confidence to enjoy what it has to offer.

Cause ain’t life grand?

It surely is, and I question why more folks aren’t enjoying what it has to offer, stopping to smell the roses, seize the day, take the reigns, shit and get off the pot, or quite simply TAKE LIFE BY THE BALLS! Yes that’s it, TAKE LIFE BY THE BALLS and have a great time of it.

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Tidbits; Opinion, “The Bullshit Barrier”

teddy bear hug

It seems that folks are going through something these days, a lot of something, break-ups, job loss, the loss of loved ones, serious transitions & transformations, and I am not sure if it has something to with planetary alignment or energy shifts, but it’s some serious shit! There has been, and are many a conversation going on out there about the feelings and acknowledgement of this shift, and one thing that is for sure is the lack of emotional protection or advance warning when something does happen. The wall, that proverbial wall we build around our emotions to keep us guarded and strong seems to be crashing down hard, and for so many, with some serious consequences. (more…)