Here you have it, another lovely from the garbage bin of old toys gone bad, that somehow find their way mysteriously onto store shelves when responsible, ethical employees have their backs turned!

The “Total Satisfaction” by Mandy Mystery, whoever the fuck she is, a dual stimulator out of Germany. I am assuming from Germany as I read the German which describes it as being able to be used both vaginale und anale for those who love to be stimulated much like you would holding a six pack of beer in the cardboard box.

Speaking of box, the packaging is so faded, dusty and little crunched on the one corner that carries through to back side of the box that reveals an exciting picture, complete with a “magnified” area of her nether regions and a somewhat shitty attempt at German English translation in multiple captions.

Yeah, it’s pretty shit to be honest, even her facial expression on the back of the box is by far a much more realistic (if you can call it that) impression, than the gaping mouth on the front of the box complete with that vacant stare. I mean, who tells the model; “yeah baby that’s it, so real, so life like, so sexy”. Give me a fucking break!! Stuff an apple in it, she looks hungry rather than the faded price tag stuck close to those teeth!

As we brave opening the box, my eyes are blasted with the gamma rays from the glow of the funky pink colour that illuminates from deep within. It’s packaged, and sealed in a plastic “crunchy” bag and yet sealed again in another cling wrap type covering. MMMMMM, even the old lube packet is stamped with an expiry date, and is hard as rock to the touch! Such quality!

Funny how the sniff test seems to tell it all, it also stinks to high heaven! Even before opening the bag I can smell the vile aroma, that makes me want to hurl, rather than insert the damn thing!

For “something” that is supposed to be flexible, it’s as stiff as a board more suited for use as a horse shoe. Hell I wouldn’t even feed this to my friend’s dog as a chew toy for fear of rotting out the poor pooches teeth, let alone your pussy and ass!

Well I think I found a better use for it! Let it air out and voila, a lovely neon bracelet for next rave, you won’t catch me going to.

Hmmm, wonder if I’ll get a rash now?