Recently my personal trainer had the pleasure of beating me up, well I like to think he was beating me up but the truth is he was putting me through it after an almost two year hiatus on the part of both of us. He knows what I am all about and get up to in my spare time, so naturally we share stories and opinions with each other. Only this time was a bit different, not because of anything special, but more because of what he asked me, “so what’s sexy this week?” To be honest, the question made me think because I hadn’t actually given it any thought. I am so used to running around being inspired by pretty much any, and everything that comes across my path, but this week nothing had done that….yet!

At the gym the next day (cause I am obsessive compulsive) while reading the local edition of Vancouver 24 hrs, in an article about sexual consent, it occurred to me that what is sexy this week IS consensual sex! The article talked of pink packages being handed out at Simon Fraser University by the Women’s Centre aptly called the “Consent Toolbox”. The idea is to spread the word about sexual consent providing the recipient with a condom, lubricant, and consent/questionnaire form all in an effort to counter what is often termed “rape culture”. The initiative is about making sure people are feeling comfortable and 100% excited about having sex says Louise Mapleston who represents the centre.

Consent has always been sexy, and combined with safe sex, even sexier! One year in the early days of hosting Fetish Nights the increased use of the date rape drug Rohypnol, was rearing it’s ugly head! See our little fetish family was pretty tight and when someone entered that was new, they were pretty much under the microscope to be on their best behaviour. Our rules at the parties were simple, no meant no, and if someone was pressured or felt pressured the perpetrator was ousted.

That same year we began to notice the increased numbers of incapacitated women being escorted to our coat check and out the door, setting off our alarm bells. Completely out of it, ladies who were unable to function! Wet noodles, limp rags, melted crayons, get my drift? This needed some serious investigation, and investigate we did. What we uncovered was an asshole who was drugging these women and offering to help them by taking them home. Needless to say he was reported to the police, but not before he was attended to in the back alley by our own security! Like I said, a tight fetish family, and don’t fuck with Momma’s family, cause I’ll deal with you!

I know that was an extreme example, but none the less an example that illustrates non-consent.

It’s always been about consent, without it you have assault punishable in the hands of the authorities. Consent is always sexy and presented the way the folks at SFU are doing, it becomes even sexier! Stimulating dialogue for the purposes of a hook-up is very important. How will you know if you are on the same page, let alone in the same bed? Never, ever, assume, assumptions can land you in some seriously hot water. For some folks it needs to be spelled or laid out fairly clear as to the direction the negotiation needs to take.

Be clear and know what you and your par amour want. Even texting can get long winded, and confusing leaving you not knowing if the recipient is truthful or trustworthy. For some fun confusion, trip on over to Damn You Auto Correct and read what I mean. Now sexting, that’s different, if you are sexting that means you are already in the next stages of your sexual liaison and e-mail is no different. The first few exchanges are about setting the stage for compatibility, the next set of e-mails would indicate you are, why, because you are still e-mailing!

Sex workers lay it out from the start usually with an intro letter that outlines the services offered and rates commanded. Keep in mind this is still  about consent, just because they’re selling it, doesn’t mean they are selling everything to everyone! Not all clients are compatible with your local sex worker.

What I am saying is make consent sexy! Consenting to sex is sexy, the thrill of the hunt, the chase, the negotiation, all of the above. Don’t hide behind text or written words, get out there and meet people face to face and be social, cause we are social.

That’s just the kind of creatures we are!